I'm in a bit of a pickle, and I need some input. I've seen a couple different therapists since I was hospitalized in September, and I've had issues with both. Each has told me that I'm defensive and hard to work with, which kind of hurts because I am most certainly NOT trying to be any kind of trouble.

Frustrated, I even contacted my old psychologist (who I really liked) and asked his opinion. He told me that at the outset, I was "a real pain in the butt," but that I was a "delight to work with" after about six sessions. He said that he could certainly see me struggling in that way and encouraged me to "approach it with a really open mind."

I'll certainly try to act on his counsel, but I worry a bit that my relationship with my current therapist is too strained. I get the impression that she is fed up with me and would be grateful to see me go somewhere else. (As a side note, my insurance is changing on friday, and she will be out-of-network.) Also, when I get defensive, she gets defensive back and an atmosphere of great negativity/hostility develops.

I know that I prefer male therapists, and I think it's because that in my experience, they have been more patient with my (unintentional) antics, better at concealing their frustration, and less threatened by me. They tend to take a stronger role in guiding the direction of therapy, and I NEED that.

So here's what I see as my options:

1. Terminate therapy with my current therapist (because there is so much tension between us), find a male therapist who will be covered by my insurance, and start fresh with that "really open mind." However, I feel like I run the risk of history repeating itself if my unintentional resistance is too great.

2. Continue with the current therapist (at increased cost to myself), focusing on figuring out why I'm so resistant and hopefully fixing that so that I can make progress in other ways. I just worry that we're always going to be "butting heads." I've been trying to work with her since the beginning of November (including twice-weekly visits for the first few weeks), and I feel like we talk about something different at every visit but make no progress on any one topic. It's very frustrating for both of us. We've even talked about it, but it didn't seem to affect anything.

Unfortunately, I can't take a break from therapy because it's a requirement for me to get back into my graduate program. I also should keep trying because I admit I have issues (but who doesn't?).

Of course I'll bring this up with the therapist at my appointment tomorrow, but I want to hear what you all think. Do I try to start fresh with someone who is covered on my new insurance (and run the risk of causing trouble by being defensive), or do I stick with the current lady who will be out-of-network and with whom I constantly feel frustrated?

Obviously I'm leaning toward finding someone new... but what would you do if you knew that a large part of the problem was YOU (and you had no idea how to fix it)?