(((((MIss)))) I completely understand where you are coming from.I know that stuck plave where you know what the deal is but cannot move on. Can I give another perspective that has helped me?

I think, now this is for me, that having been in therapy for such a long time, it is easy for me to tell myself that this is as good as it gets, there just isnt any more than I can do. Im stuck and I know all there is to know and where can I go from here? But I noticed that there are periods of time that I reach a plateau. Real long periods of time. And what I dont immediately realize is that I am not on a plateau at ground level, I am 5000 feet in the air. That I have grown and plateau'd out (however you spell that!) and then grown again and plateau'd out. That the changes I have made, I had to live with for whatever period of time, without knowing that there was more growth and another plateau in another 5000 feet, which Id reach in another X number of years.

I am fortunate (or unfortunate) that I have 31 years of therapy since I was 20 years old behind me to have some kind of perspective on that. And with all that, I STILL have long moments of wondering where I can possibly go from here. All I do is dig into my feelings, my history, my depression, my acting out, my blah blah blah. But when I think of where I was before starting this journey to discover who and why I am, its frightening to think what might have been with out it all.

What Im fumbling around to say is that you may be 5000 feet in the air on a plateau that feels like ground level without noticing that you must travel another X number of miles on this plateau to reach the next one. And the next movement forward might be in a direction you could not possibly have imagined.

I dont see anything wrong with being grateful for where I am (even if I dont find where i am that pleasant) and it doesnt mean I am grateful because this is the end of the road and be happy I have gone any distance at all. I really hope the communication in my marriage and with my children improves and that I continue to be brave and discover the real truth about where I came from and how I felt about it. I am at a scaary point now talking about my family and why I did some of the things I did as a teen and in my 20s- and it is not because I was experimenting or crazy, but because of how I felt about myself related to csa. And it is sad and scary. I never thought I'd go there, but these are the *feeling* discoveries that push me forward. I think...I hope.....

OK- enough rambling.....