Ftt and I are talking little by little about my father and his inappropriate behavior toward me. It is SO hard for me to talk about this with her or anyone. I know it is pushing at me and this is the direction I am going in, but I feel like I am being a very bad girl by saying all of this in therapy.

I hear (not literally) voices tell me, you KNOW it isnt true, he loved you, he meant well, etc and you (meaning me) are just an ungrateful little liar.

I wondered why I did some of the things I did as a teen and young adult, why I was drawn to a kind of creativity that most people are not. And why I acted as I did. It was my secret with myself. And now that secret isnt a secret anymore. At the end of my last session I realized where we were going with this and I feel so ashamed. I cant say to her what I had been doing and how I felt with my father. I feel like a bad, dirty girl. Just a bad, bad, bad digusting little girl who covers it all up by being nice.