Yeah, kind of down on myself. Serious lack of self-esteem. I wonder why in the world my husband keeps me around and what he sees in me.

Yesterday I went shopping at Wal-Mart. Understand, first of all, that I was in a car accident several years ago and injured my lower spine, which now has arthritis. Physical therapy has built up quite a bit of muscle, and last fall I was able to ditch the cane I'd been using for years. Ocassionally I still need it, such as when I re-injure or overstrain myself, but I no longer have to use a cane all the time.

I had done quite a bit of walking yesterday, but by the time I started shopping, I could hardly walk any further. So I got a motor-cart.

And was immediately reminded in my head of some remark I'd read online about things you see at Wal-Mart. It was full of unflattering snark, such as "toothless people," "mothers with screaming children," etc. Included, "morbidly obese people riding motor-carts."

I'm plus-size, but not classified as "morbidly" obese. I'm not quite at that level. Think Camryn Manheim. Still, I'm fat enough to be judged. I realize that when a lot of people see a heavy person doing something like riding a motor-cart or parking in a handicapped space, "injured in a car accident" is not going to be among their first assumptions. It takes me back in my mind to the time when I walked from my grandmother's suburban home all the way to downtown--a distance of almost 9 miles. Didn't have bus fare. Had to walk it. Well, when I got downtown, I sat to rest on a bus bench, and heard someone actually say out loud, "Yeah, she'd better sit down! She's too fat to walk!" After I'd done all that walking, to hear someone say I'm too fat to walk, and shame me for merely sitting.

Nor can I eat in public without feeling like people are giving me a no-wonder-you're-so-fat look. Even if all I'm eating is a side salad.

So yesterday I'm riding around in that motor-cart, wondering how many people were thinking I was merely too fat to walk.

I even wondered *myself* if I was merely too fat to walk. Although for decades, I've been walking myself to death with no discernible change in my body size. I've actually sprained my hips from simply walking too much. I do it because I'm desperate for the exercise, so people will stop pointing out how fat I am, and if I'd just go out for a walk I might lose weight....

To sum it up: Boo-hiss at me.