oh i have known that feeling...and revelled in it...yup each day puts us one day closer...kind of like suicide with out the fuss ...

thats how i was a few weeks ago...so sad i couldn't even think straight, couldn't even do anything..i';d call to cancel t, she'd call to say no you didn't..if i wasn't so sad it would have been comical. (of course she also sad i could not not if i chose to really not too).

i would go and we would just sit for a while because i was too sad to talk...so many bad memories this year. i worked so hard last year at getting strong i allowed myself to handle the worst of all my memories..the very first ones...and parts of me weren't strong enough yet...and it damn near killed me...and parts of me are still struggling...for many months i couldn't put food in my mouth..only liquids...for a while no words would come out..we did therapy by writing..she talked, i wrote..i lost 60 pounds. i still struggle with the eating thing...altho now i think its more of habit/liking being less fat/memories.

death has always been an option out for me my t knows it..and we have discussed that ..she knows i go right there. she also says it frustrates her that i don't let her in as much as i should. this time i did..let her in right to the depths...and it scared her i think...she suggested hospitalization and i said no..really what would it do..keep me there for a week drug me up and then let me go...not going to make things any better...and she agreed.

my friend just died from the opposite of the slow and non-messy option...in his doctors parking lot. i so feel his pain..i just can't feel the parking lot...and that pisses me off big time.

anyway..yeah it will get better..blah, blah, balh....you know the spiel. been there, heard it, got it on a t-shirt.

i guess i feel better that i was strong enough to handle the memories even tho they screwed me up. i know in the long run i'll be okay..it just will hurt like hell until i get there..its been since july and honestly i am coming out of my hole..it probably didn't help that the holidays were tossed in there, and t's vacation, my birthday...you know..but that's life.

maybe try these words of stumpy wisdom...each day while its closer to death may also be hiding a day closer to feeling not so bad. (it kinda keeps me going...and then when you don't notice it the not so bad sneaks up on you and wa lla you feel better)

hope my ramblings didn't bore you to tears.

stumpy