Had one of the most intense and worst sessions with my T last night. It got so intense that I totally shut down.
I couldn't even look at her. I couldn't even respond to her.
I just don't know what happened to me to be the way I am.
So many years with only thinking there is one way to solve everything...always fantasizing about "S"...always thinking that was my only option for peace.
Sometimes feeling better and letting that slip away, but always having that same feeling creep back in my life. So times coming back more harsh then the last time.
I need mercy. I need healing. I need to not just put a band aide over my pain and anger...it needs to be healed.
I made another appt for tonight to see my T again. I guess it's the insurance plan..if you will.
I really don't want to die. I just don't want to keep living like this.
Sometimes I separate from who I am as an adult and I fall into this kidlike mode of thinking. I get scared. I look for help, so hard to find at times. I feel like a lost kid who has no one to run to. Where is my mommy? Why doesn't she just love me, no conditions?

Again, thanks for listening. Thanks for all your replies.