Thanks NF and Deli (I could use some hugs, its all OK )I am trying so hard to put the "blame" where it belongs. These feelings about myself are so deep and so automatic. It is so hard to intellectually tell myself I am not dirty and disgusting and bad bad bad. It takes SO MUCH mental energy to go there and not feel like this.

I was telling ftt that even when I am in my house doing this or that for my kids or just sitting and playing with them, eating dinner, or wahtever I feel like this bad criminal that I have to hide something (and I have no idea what it would be that i need to hide) and be secretive about something (no idea what that would be either) and I should be doing or acting some other way in order to be "good." I am bad just sitting down doing nothing.

I am told it was the abusive behavior that was directed toward me, that both of my parents had mental illness issues, but its a struggle to connect with how I feel today