Thanks SAWE, Mike, Raceka and Moon

I also feel like i am talking about them behind their back- its a weird feeling.

And Moon- I have the same feelings that I dont want ftt to feel sorry for me, but I dont think she does, or at least its not obvious. I think she considers what will help me and emapthizes. I think.

I had been PMing with a friend and this is what I wrote (Im copying here):

I am so used being diconnected from myself and my feelings from the incidents with my father that I dont know if I like these memories being a part of me. I dont know if I really want to make the connections between how I behaved, especially when I was in photography school, and my relationship with my father. There is a part of me that prefers to believe I have this "bad" side of me, or this "strange" side of me rather than a damaged side of me and that is why I was this or that way. I dont know if that makes any sense, but I feel less protected now.

I think it is as if I prefer to be protected by the feeling that I am bad, because if I am not bad, I have been hurt or damaged in some way. ANd that is more painful than believing that I am bad. I can deal with bad, I always have. But hurt, sad, and damaged is very diffcult for me. And then I would think what could have been had I not been hurt in this way. I am writing it here, but I am not feeling it, not yet.