Gosh Sky,

You ask some wise and perceptive questions.

I would say that I did not love my first wife in any sense that a normal married couple would understand. It was physical attraction (she was very beautiful) and extremely emotionally painful. I had a feeling of terrible emptiness and loneliness when I was with her, and also when I was away from her. To my amazement, my first daughter described the same feeling about growing up with her mother.

I thought, at the time, that this painful feeling was love. Now I know different. Love is not a lustful addiction or any kind of selfish feeling. It is about caring for another person.

Regarding the abortion. When I met up with my first daughter I was absolutely careful to say nothing about the abortion. I was almost certain that my first wife would not have told her about this. I was not going to give her any more pain. My first daughter said that her mother never opened up to her about anything. She said that she only got about 10% into her mother's mind, and then she felt she was cut out. That is just how it was for me.

In my meeting with my first daughter, I tried to avoid talking about her mother,and took all the responsibility for the tragedy onto myself. In fact, my first first daughter R. got fed up with this and said "Stop apologising for yourself."

This stuff is all very painful, but thank goodness it is in the past for me.

A last point to note is that the divorce from my first wife was rather unusual. I discovered that her family had made a large settlement on her, with a flat, a new sports car, and a three month holiday in America. I suspected that my first wife's father had put this offer on the table some time before, as it all happened very quickly indeed.

18 months after the divorce, I received a request through my solicitor that my first wife should formally adopt my first daughter, along with her new husband, a wealthy accountant. This was hard for me. Her family had prevented me from having contact visits to my daughter R, playing all sorts of tricks with the court. I was finding it difficult to afford the ongoing legal battle.

After consulting a priest for counselling on this matter, I decided that my daughter's best chance would be for me to go away, and maybe her mother would settle down with her new husband. I signed the papers, and gave up my child.

Sky, you say 'sigh' at the end of your post. I say the same - 'sigh'.

It's been good for me to get this off my chest.

Good thoughts, M

PS - You mentioned low self esteem. You know, rich people can have low self esteem too. My daughter R. said something about her step father. She said, "He always wants to give me money, but I just want his time." Huh.