Thanks, I'm not doing well right now in the depression and self-esteem categories.

I am medically overweight, but not classified as "morbidly" obese. However, I've seen myself as "fat" ever since I was in third grade. Puberty came early for me, and that's when I started to mature. I was taller, heavier, and more developed than anyone else in my grade, boy or girl. And this was back in the days when school health records (height and weight) were measured in front of the whole class. I remember the day they wheeled that scale into the classroom. When it got to be my turn, as I approached the scale, a boy said he'd bet I weighed a thousand pounds. I didn't, of course. I weighed 70. Which is exactly what I should have weighed for my height and level of physical development. But I was the heaviest in the class, everyone else's weight started with a 5 or a 6, so it followed that I was "fat."

Actually, I didn't even enter the "overweight" category until I started high school, but I always saw myself as "fat." Still, as I originally observed, other people use "fat" as a squelch, when I've said something they don't like.

Let me give you an example: When John Paul II died, there was a message board attached to the news story. I noticed that only a small percentage of the people posting on it were discussing the death of the Pope. A much larger percentage were there to rag on the Catholic church for the child sex abuse scandals, etc., and many who did discuss the Pope called him the Dope or the Poop or something like that. Although I am not Catholic myself, I took them to task for it, and told them how wrong I thought their behavior was.

I had posted a recent picture in my profile, and apparently people looked at it to see who was saying these things, then came back with comments about my fat @$$. They wouldn't have said anything about my weight if I'd been agreeing with them, or had joined in their games. To them I was "fat" only because I disapproved of their behavior.

As far as my self-image goes, it doesn't help matters that my husband has no sexual attraction to me at all. He claims it's only ED because he's diabetic (which we both are) but I know what I see when I look in the mirror.

And as for things I like about my appearance, this is exactly why I keep my hair long. It is black, healthy, shiny, and thick, and it reaches all the way to my tailbone. My hair generates far more comments from stangers than my weight does, and if I cut it, I am afraid that instead of being "that woman with the long hair," I would have to be "that fat woman."

Am I hiding behind my hair? Maybe. But I do like it long, and it's staying that way as long as I'm competent to make that decision for myself.