((( MU )))

Trust is a BIG issue (naturally) for those who have been hurt or abused by others in society. Children are born with trust - there is no other option. Then while we are learning how to get around in this world, BOOOM!!! Something happens that breaks that trust. Many people will go "OUCH!" and then they think "That was odd" but they will dismiss it as a one time event. They trust yest again and then "BAMM!!"

People who have been chronically abused have a very hard time with trust. This is a very intelligent response to what we have learned along the way. They say only a fool does the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

It took me years to realize that my lack of trust came because I was smart enough to learn from the pain and change the way I operated. Hope that makes sense.

Now the second part of that is the adult self. That self misses trust. One who has learned not to trust anyone has to unlearn all of that. What is wrong with this picture?

1) It took a lot of pain for us to learn the NO TRUST lesson the first time! Who wants to go through all that pain again?

2) We know that trust puts us at risk of being hurt. People have proven themselves to us in the past as being hurtful and letting us down. How do we know our trust will not be abused again?

Well there we are - but we know the high price we are forced to pay because we can't trust. Trusting others is helpful in society - in personal relationships and employment. Who wants to be our friend if we don't disclose? Who wants to work with us if we look at them like we are just waiting for them to make an epic fail? Ugg! Trust between humans is a very basic need.

So now we know why we have the problem and what the problem costs... but how in the heck are we supposed to "fix" the problem? That is the ultimate question.
Here are some things I am trying to learn along the way and practice...

1) Trust is a gift I first give myself. When I trust a co-worker to listen to what I say and respond to it without insulting me or doing other negative responses, I am doing it because I want to be a "team player" of sorts. When I meet a new friend and I disclose a little about myself to them, I am doing it for ME not them. I need friends so I am not lonely. And I know it takes trust and disclosure to get friends. So I give them a measure of trust and disclose. The more I value the friendship or relationship, the more trust I will give them and the more disclosure I will make.

When it comes to T, I trust him totally. I do this for ME and not him at all. I do it because I am paying him to be an expert of my mind so he can help me guide this ship into a safe harbor. He can't do it without the maps. So I tell him all I can about me and that takes a lot of trust. I know I am doing it because I trust in him as a professional.

2) Forgiveness is a part of trust. Because trusting others is an asset to us, forgiving the fractures that happen as a normal part of communication is vital to trust. If a person has a close friend and the friend has a very bad day and says the wrong thing, what is the value of tossing out all the investment in friendship just because of one mistake?

3) Trust does not have to be all or nothing! Now THIS last thing was the insight that changed my life and allowed me to trust again. In my prior years, I saw trust as all or nothing. If I had a friend, I trusted them 100% But naturally the friend would eventually let me down or something would happen that I would hate myself for trusting them. My mind would go to ZERO trust in that person and I would see a big red X on their face.

Well, again, I found out that by doing this, I was robbing myself of the investments I had made into the friendship. And I also realized that I made mistakes too! (( Shock Shock! LOL )). I didn't want someone else to not ever trust me again just because I made a mistake. So why was I doing that to others?

What I decided to do was change the way I saw trust into a percentage system.
For example, I know know that most strangers are "Ok" so I give them a trust of about 60%. If I see someone in the store and they smile at me, I mainly trust that they are not going to harm me and take my money or something. So I am sorta ok with returning a smile. For my friends, I have them in higher percentages. If they do make a mistake, it is alot easier to forgive the mistake because I give them some percentage points to "fail" :-) Now with my T, he is at about 95% right now. Sometimes I knock him down to 30% - usually when I am projecting or doing transference I have not mentally worked out. But he stays up there. Again, I keep him up there because I pay him to be that high in trust. I would have to get a different T if that trust was too low. But that still allows some room for him to say something that might make me not like him for a while. And by not making a big red X on his mental face, I can maintain my trust in him that is my therapy investment.

Hope this helps!!