Well, just don't know how to cope with this right now. I mean its bad enough to have lost someone so near and dear to me. Then to have betrayed them and the guilt I carry. Further, to have them hate me and tell her friends (which were becoming my friends as well)... it is just more than my little heart can take.... I mean I have been through a LOT of grief in my life, but none worse than this

I let her down, I let myslef down and I let my kids down. Unreal as my kids really liked her and now Dad has yet another woman come in and out of his life.

But now she just ins't believing a word I say, which to some extent I can understand. But not only is she not believing me she is making the story worse. I mean I know I deserve it, but why must people be so cruel? Why can't someone be genuinely forgiving when someone is so remorseful? I mean if I was a "screw you in your face" kind of guy I could see it. But, I am hurting here and feeling so sorry, so remorseful and she just rubs the salt in the open wound. She knows I am suicidal and I swear to God I think that is what she wants.