***UPDATE***

I went to my therapy session yesterday. I was nervous about the idea of talking about my anger. I'd left the angry email about my parents, and then had asked her to ignore it. . .but she'd said we would "discuss all of that when you come in."

It just so happened that an event took place at work right as i was getting ready to leave for my session that left me feeling upset, invisible, uncared about, and not appreciated. When i arrived at my session, i was still pretty worked up about it. My t mentioned that what happened at work, and the way i felt about it, was similar to the way i've always felt with my parents. I hadn't thought about it until she brought it up, but she was right.

Uncharacteristically for me, i vented my feelings about the work situation. Then, my t asked me if i was angry. You know, getting me to answer that question was like pulling teeth. I DID NOT want to say i was angry, as i am so programmed to feel that being angry is not nice. I could not get the words out. I told her I didn't know if i was angry, but i knew i was upset. So she asked me, "Imagine one of your coworkers came to you, and said the same things that you just said. What would you guess she might be feeling?" Immediately, the thought came to my mind "I'd think she was really PO'd." So. . .i had to admit that, yes, i was angry. This was followed by my t telling me that anger is a normal human feeling, and it does not make me a bad person. I think we talked about how, the more you try to get rid of anger or deny it, the more it is still there and comes out in other ways, like the angry dreams i was having.

Then, at some point, my t asked me if it would be OK with me to access the part of me that was angry at my parents. I felt scared! She said we could do it for just *1 minute* if i wanted to. The next thing i knew, all of this pain and anger started coming out of me. I talked about several of the things that have happened over the years that have caused me to feel so sad about my parents and bad about myself. I shared with her feelings that i've never been able to express in 10 years of therapy with her. I cried while i was telling her. i cried pretty much the whole hour. Right toward the end, she asked me what that sad and angry part of me needed right then to feel better. I told her i didn't know -- that i was OK i guess.

And then. . . she asked "Can i move a little bit closer to you?" I told her "Yes." So she walked over. She asked, "Can i sit down next to you?" and i told her "Yes." Then she asked, "Can i put my arm around your shoulder?" And when i told her "Yes," she pulled me close and i put my arms around her neck and cried on her shoulder, while she patted my back and told me "You are going to be OK. You are fine just the way you are." Then I cried, "All i ever wanted was for my mom to love me," and she said, "I know." About then, i noticed that my breath felt hot and stuffy coming out, and i was concerned that i was making her neck feel yucky, so i pulled back and said "Thank You. That was nice" to her.

Well, if any of you remember all the turmoil that my t and i had over the "hugging" issue, you will know that this was a monumental day for me. In some ways, i always imagined that crying on her shoulder and being comforted would be this *perfect* moment where i would get what i never had as a child. You know, like a *Kodak moment.* But really, it felt so unperfect. I mean, i wasn't a pretty sight, bawling like that, with the hiccupy hot breaths coming out and my mascara all smeared. And i think i was sort of in shock that she actually came out and offered a hug after all. It all happened so fast and i was so upset that i couldn't really relax into the comfort being given me. But at the same time, i realized how much she cared about me and that she wanted to comfort me. And somehow. . .it just felt so imperfectly, messily natural the way human life is imperfect and messy and natural.

After that, the session was over. When i asked her what she wanted me to work on for next week (I always ask), this time instead of giving me homework, she asked me to "Be nice to yourself." She also said, "Thank you for allowing me to be there for you."

After the session, i was so exhausted, and i still am today. And i am also sort of in shock that i let those feelings out in front of my t. and that she hugged me. I think that session was a huge step in my healing, and i feel that i should leave my t some kind of a message to acknowledge this. I think that she'll be checking her messages, as she will be wondering how i'm doing, because usually whenever i make a big step or get too close to her, i find a reason to get upset and withdraw. But this time, i'm not going to do that. And i don't know what to say.

Do you ever feel like something big happens, and it is so big, that you are left without words?

That is how i feel today.