Basically you sound like I did the first time I was dealing with anorexia. It was my way out of this world. I could die & blame it on anorexia & not on suicide
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I just want to be alone. I want to hide I want to disappear. I want to fly away.
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Not only that, but my family wouldn't have to deal with the stigma of suicide either, so it was going to free me from that responsibility also. Whatever the means we choose for ending our lives the result is still the same because it's a choice we make, not something that just happens. I was choosing not to feel the pain anymore......that pain has nothing to do with body image, or fat......that pain is even worse than any of that.
There are many people who are dealing with anorexia/bulemia/ED of any kind who have endured pain that is beyond what they can handle alone. They are finding now that there are people who are dealing with anorexia from the PTSD of going through an abortion.......we may choose to focus on the fat & the body image, but underneath it all, it's another pain completely that we have to deal with in order to survive.
Most treatment centers won't deal with those pains from my experience. All they want to focus on is the body image (a direct quote from the last ED treatment center I talked to).......as I found out 5 years ago when they wouldn't deal with the real issues underlying my anorexia.
When we hide from the pain, the pain only gets worse. When we let the pain out & it's the pain that will fly away, not us. When our desire to end our life is greater than the desire to live, we allow the anorexia to win. It is our choice to loose the battle when we won't deal with the real problem
I only wish you could find the will to help yourself & the will to let go of the pain you are holding onto by not facing it.
Debbie