I thought I was just some sort of weirdo for having such morbid thoughts. I wonder if having so many depressive episodes has trained my brain to think in such ways. Two babies died on my unit last week, so I have had death on my mind.

Before I was stable I would think of actually executing such a plan...but now there is no chance. I can't leave people behind. I can't lie to my T that way, not after she has done so much for me. There is no way I could lie to her about meds, or how I am doing. Sometimes I wish I could give her a giant hug for figuring out what was wrong with me, for listening to me after 13 long years of suffering.