Hi Lost and welcome to PC. You won't have to pretend around here. That should be some relief. Take heed the wisdom that is shared with you because it comes from being where you are in your suffering today.

I am one of those master pretenders. There have been occassions when I would let the truth out but the expectation that I would recover brought the pretender out again when my times of sadness were too tiring for others to witness.

It sounds like you are really in its grip right now. I am sorry you are suffering. You acknowledge that you can't avoid taking some kind of action for much longer. You know you are stuck and its just a matter of time before you are found out. Meanwhile you suffer on.

Your sadness, hopelessness and pain can be turned around if and when you find a place to turn for help. You are not alone. Many have been in your shoes who have returned to living full and productive lives. PC is full of such people.

Common among them all is that they took that big step out the door to ask for help. To learn about the causes of their suffering, accept the necessary treatment and begin the process of recovery. They have accepted that the sadness will not go away on its own. They admit that they want more from life and don't want the sadness to cut them off any more. You too can get your life back with a little help from people in the know.

With the last bit of energy you have talk to your parents or your doctor or drop into a mental health centre. Hang on to the last thread of hope for a better future and find that starting place. That is usually the hardest step and once you take it, I promise you, the doors will open up and the light will comes on and hope can be restored.

Meanwhile, rest with us and let it out so that at very least until you take the step out the door for help you know you are not alone. We get it and we feel for you.