No it doesn't make sense.

I spent a long, long time trying to make sense of a boyfriend that was at times wonderful and loving and at times abusive and scary.

The relationship is over. He is dead. I have been in therapy for years and you know what? It still doesn't make sense to me.

Try to do what your logical brain tells you. You are posting an awareness of what is unacceptable behavior. But feelings get intertwined and creates doubt.

Are you currently in therapy?