Burbitine, I get the sense that you use anger, sarcasm and joking to hide the pain that is inside you. Am I right? If so you need to focus on what feelings you have now and how you can get to a better place. You can work through this but it will take effort from you and honesty. Perhaps it is too scary to share some feelings here with people you don't even know. I was here for a couple of years before I started to feel comfortable.

Or perhaps I am wrong and none of this applies to you.