Proceed with caution, it's a long post.

My pdoc was cool enough to give me his email address so I could send all the pent up stuff I've been needing to talk about. I haven't had a doctor or therapist to tell all this stuff to.

I've been coming and going around here for a while. I think it's high time I posted some of my story. The kind people I've known here really know little about me. It's really long so I'll cut it down. It's also incomplete so I'm going to add it and find some place to post the whole thing for the interested person to view.

This doc has diagnosed me with Adult ADHD and it seems to explain a lot. So, phew. I'm not sure about this, I'm scared of what everyone will think, but I feel the need to share this:

So here's where I am now:
I'm having all sorts of morbid and aggressive thoughts. I'm failing at my job so instead of returning to my previous position I want to quit and move somewhere that nobody knows me and hide from everyone. From the moment I was hired I worked hard and behaved like it was a forgone conclusion I would someday be promoted to trainer. It's crushingly embarrassing and humiliating that 3 of the 4 people hired after me are now permanent trainers and I'm still in the lesser role.

I'm afraid I just can't do the job but I don't want to admit if I still have to work around these people. I've already told the head of the department that around the rest of the team I feel like a mentally challenged kid allowed in the room because, oh he does try so hard, bless him.

At the moment, fighting the urge to run hurts deeply. I have a strong urge to tell people off and to start fights. I've never explicitly self-injured but I believe my inability to quit smoking weed is similar. I know it doesn't produce physical dependence so my inability to stop is down to motivation.

I find it hard to care about much of anything right now other that what other people are thinking about me, none of it good. Basically I've run out of the energy to cope. Again. I feel I've failed at my last chance to make something of myself before I'm 65, poor, never having done any of the things I constantly ache to do, knowing I could if I were well.

In all the varied jobs I've had my current one looked like I was actually on the road to some sort of success. Now, my boss has basically suggested I consider quitting. I just don't know how to undo 40 years of having no idea how to relate to people in a meaningful way.

The feelings of failure, bruised ego, embarrassment, self-doubt, worthlessness, defeat, are all so overwhelming this email is the only way I have been able to express them.

Most of my teachers disliked me because of my behaviour. I was very bored and tended to fidget and absently make noise. Homework assignments were too easy and I'll admit sometimes I didn't do them just because they were too easy. I tended to read ahead then do the homework while the teacher went on to the next topic.

I day dreamed a lot. While I was daydreaming I would often hum or whistle. The following two incidents I will say were the most traumatic of my life:

My second grade teacher always treated me in an abusive manner in front of the other students. Once, while daydreaming, I was also whistling, she warned me to stop, but I was waiting for the others to finish their work so I drifted off again and again started whistling. She put masking tape over my mouth for the rest of the day. Another day I had been disruptive in class, I guess, and then I asked to go to the bathroom. She denied me and wouldn't relent when I told her I needed to defecate. She sent me back to my desk and I was unable to prevent doing it anyway. That was something that I didn't live down until I finished
elementary school.

There are a whole host of instances where I display the following:
Inability to form strong, deep, lasting relationships, I don't really feel close to anyone, including my family.
I fall in and out of love easily,
Friends are limited to a few at a time, almost all women.
I'm prone to fits of extreme anger over my own mistakes,
I'm extremely clumsy and forgetful,
so easily distracted i can lose the thread of a coversation even when looking right at the person i'm talking to;
at the same time if I'm really absorbed in something I completely block out the outside world, i.e. zone out either way.
I talk to myself aloud even when others are present,
I often rehearse conversations I'm going to have with people.
I feel like crying a lot of the time but I almost never cry at all
I have stood in the middle of an intersection yelling a lot of foul language at a bus and giving it the finger.
Often, I speak without thinking and then immediately regret what I say.
I'm swapping the consonants in spoken sentences increasingly often.
In the last year I've identified that sometimes I will repeat an expression over and over.
Even the smallest task has to be boiled down to the most minute detail and specific discrete steps.
I constantly pick apart my behaviour and criticize the smallest detail.
I always need to know the time. I get agitated when I'm without a watch.
I apologize all the time, including things for which I'm not responsible, and most of which are so minor as to not merit any apology or are the kinds of annoying things I do on a continual basis.
I'm a penny pincher but I always have to have money in my pocket or I feel extremely uncomfortable in public. Whenever I make a cash purchase, I will count out whatever change is needed to keep the small change in my pocket to a minimum. E.g. if a purchase is 14.62, I will give the clerk $15.12.
Long periods of deep depression are followed by short periods of normalcy, then... I feel great and am finally going to get all my problems resolved, save
money and go on a trip, finish writing the story I've been working on and, oh yeah, I've just had another good idea, I'll write that too. Oh, and I wonder if MIT
is still hosting the 1st year course Physics lectures on it's website.... Usually the upbeat mania and creative energy degenerates into a constantly angry state
where I'm mad at the world for everything no matter what it is, such as I am now.
Anyway, right now I'm embarrassed even to step foot in the building where I work. I get chills and shortness of breath at the thought of having to deal with
people at all.
My anxiety level is off the charts.
I've lost interest in most things but my sex drive has increased. Incidentally, historically, I have not had many serious relationships (3 in total) but a large majority of my friends are women and I've had "friends with benefits" arrangements with several of them. I have a very difficult time tying emotional attachment to sex. For me they are so far two separate things.