Sooooooooooooooooooo...

Christina hasn't been committed into hospital yet!

Yay? Maybe yay? I dunno.

Had the appt with him last week (pdoc) and he seemed relieved I was no longer "batshit crazy" (my words, not his ) and wanting to do any number of bad things to myself.

Odd, but he still wanted to see me in two weeks. I probably shouldn't have told him that I normally do a depressive cycle down (really far down) and then seem normal for a while, and then go wayyyyyy back down again and then am finally ACTUALLY normal for a long period of time. Well, until the next depressive cycle anyways, but REGARDLESS...

Sighs.

I talked about it here... or maybe in Abuse... about how once upon a time he wanted to know about my abuse history stuff. Well, about one incident of major importance anyway. But we never got around to it. I brought it up at last session.

And now I think I've all but convinced myself to actually go through talking about it next session (next week, Thursday at noon!). OMIGOSH. I dont want to back out of this, because I *know* I trust him and I *know* he can handle it and he could probably handle *me* having a complete meltdown... but I don't know if *I* could handle it knowing someone else knows...

Understand? Maybe? Or maybe I just dont want to make his office unsafe.

How exactly does one make an office "safe" to discuss this stuff?
Beyond grounding exercises, which I do know some of.
And breathing exercises, that I always forget in the moment of crisis.
And visualization techniques, which I can't get to unless someone coaches me through them.



What should I even be doing? Bringing a stuffed animal (I'm seriously considering it)? Lots of kleenex (also considering it, the stuff in the office is icky)?

What happens if the office becomes unsafe? Or he gets associated with bad things?

ARGH. I AM SO OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING AGAIN. BLARGH.

I do trust him. I trust him more than my therapist, which probably is because I see her so infrequently and we meet at a local church because of accessibility issues at her office and the church is definitely NOT a cool place to be "safe" because of one too many issues. AND the fact is, that anytime we're away from therapy for a longer period of time I tend to forget all the stuff I should remember that I learned in therapy.

Halp? Please? Christina is a tiny bit lost here and needs help. Okay, a lot of help. She's also seriously considering a hospitalization if I go off the deep end after talking about this. Which may happen, maybe not. I dont know how I'd react actually. Probably cry a lot, but who knows what else.

I *AM* going to talk about it unless we go off on a tangent elsewhere in session. My decision, not his (pdoc). If I dont start progressively trying to fix myself I'll be in therapy forever, not that I dont like talking about myself, but therapy is free-ish now, and wont be once Im out of school!