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What sticks out in my mind after reading your story is that I see a need for some counseling and get on some meds and stay on them, and really get to the end of your destructive behaviors. I believe we have to truly be sick and tired of being sick and tired and choose to change direction.
My life was a mess 20 years ago and I had to finally decide I wanted to live. In the past 20 years I have worked hard on finding the root of my troubles and resolve them. You have to care enough about yourself to stick to things that can help you. There may be more than depression but the way to discover that is with a good therapist while on meds so you can have as clear thinking as possible.
None of us can succeed alone. We need help from caring and qualified others. It's immpossible to change behaviors long term until we get to the root of the problem. No man is the answer either, I tried that one, didn't fix anything at all.
This is all just my opinion based on my own experience. Take what you want and leave the rest.
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However confused the scene of our life appears, however torn we may be who now do face that scene, it can be faced, and we can go on to be whole.
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