I have realised that when any sort of friendship or relationship goes wrong my automatic thoughts and feelings are that it is my fault. I might have posted elsewhere how my stepmother stated that I should be "punished all my life".

I find it hard to get the balance between avoidance (my former therapist sneered at me and said "You avoid almost everything" ....).... and working on friendships and even maintaining any sort of contact with people, without running away as soon as I feel any hurt, which is often.

As I posted elsewhere, in the therapy with my former T we worked a bit on my "inner child" as he called her. I spent sessions curled up in a ball and crying my eyes out reliving some of my early pain.

But still I found it so hard to trust him so "Lucy" did not appear often and I struggled with resistance and "projection" onto him. I was often scared that he was angry with me and I sometimes asked him if he was. One time he replied "Yes I am angry with you J.... I find myself being angry when you ask me that"

On other occasions he told me that he sometimes felt "callous" towards me and "very indifferent" towards me..... and that I was "not endearing".

He also stated that some people are "beyond help" and when he ended he said that the local NHS psychiatrist would not see me and I would have to make do with "medication and nothing else"

I did manage to see the local NHS psychiatrist although when I asked him if I could see him more often he said "there is no point".

When I went to the local General Practitioner's surgery a couple of months ago, the doctor said that he didnt think the disorder the therapist had diagnosed me with existed. He said something about "if you don't enjoy your anxiety I could refer you for short term intervention..... 6 to 8 sessions"........ I waited a month or so and nothing came through.

I am very disillusioned with both doctors and therapists.

I appreciate all of you who have replied to my "Trying... in the UK" thread. I know that paying for private "treatment" is my only option. But the fees of most therapists are way beyond our budget at the moment.

I am pleased that some people here have seen me as making progress since I joined as sometimes I feel totally hopeless and undeserving

I know I have made mistakes with some people I have been in contact with and I hope they can forgive me

I am thinking of the words of the Desiderata as I write this..... about "as far as possible be on good terms with all people"........ I do hate long term conflicts, perhaps because there was so little love, caring or even communication in my family of origin.

I am sorry this post is so long and rambling but at least I am getting some of my thoughts and pain out, even though some of you have probably heard some or even most of this before.... many of you will not have.

Take care everyone,
Fuzzy