Okay.
I've been a member on PC since..ohhhh...Sept of 08? and I've read a whole lot about sexual issues, the resulting trauma of rape, abuse, bi-sexuality and all relating, and have responded to a few here n there.

With almost every thread I've read I can personally relate on one level,or another, of the struggles and hardhips. And I find myself wondering...Why in the hell don't I have these feelings of trauma, sorrow, difficulty coping, psychological struggles of "some" kind that I read about in all these threads? What makes me any different?
Sure, I can relate to them and some on a very personal level, yet, where are my emotions toward my experiences?

I can't help but to be curious. So, I'm going to be open & honest here....(and hope for the best..lol)
I was sexually molested at 9 by a family member. Raped.
I was gang raped by the neighborhood boys around 10.
Endured many sexual "forced" encounters through following years, though not all had gone as far as actual vaginal penetration. Still, the trauma was quite present.
Kicked out of home at 15. Made my way, (the best I could) by couch camping at friends. End up diving into heavier drug use. My favorite was LSD, and under that influence on almost a daily basis.
During those few years, I dove into the "orgie" scene, and didn't see anything wrong about it, in fact, found it to be quite facinating...putting it mildly.
During those years, again, find myself in unfavorable situations, end up gang raped on two different occassions.
Eventually, attempted to end my life. Failed, (obviously). Ended up in psych ward for a lengthy unwanted stay.
This all happened several decades ago.

Okay. So, why is it that I don't "feel" anything from it? I admit, some of it, (from my earliest years) I've deliberately buried...security mechanism, I guess. But, to this day...it simply doesn't "seem" to bother me....and that is alot for anyone to have to go through. I don't feel the emotional trauma that I read about. I don't feel a sense of guilt, remorse, hate....nothing...that I'm aware of.

I'm a happy-go-lucky person. Definately a "free" thinker regarding sex. No inhabitiions still to this day. I'm good with open relationships, bi-sexuality, and group sex..so long as it's safe (can't be too careful anymore).
Sex doesn't "gross me out". I still find it quite intreguing and adventurous.
I don't know if that's due to my past trauma...(IF it has traumatized me and I'm just not aware of it). But it certainly hasn't interfered with "how" I perceive sex to this day.

I can't help but to wonder....Am I just subconsciously numb as a result, or, regarding trauma, is there really none? And IF that's the case...what does that really say about me? I don't know whether I should be thankful for not feeling anything now, or concerned that I may have become so numb that a time bomb is simply silently ticking away inside of me.
But again, I have yet to encounter any "triggers" that set me off.

I have never sought therapy. Never thought I needed to as I've never experienced any trauma delay...that I'm aware of. Never been dx'd with any disorders. Never on any scripts.

I'm not posting this thread because I'm "suffering". I'm simply seeking what might be an explanation as to why I really am not suffering.....? Does that make sense?
I'm just courious, I guess. And sometimes my curiosity just gets the best of me.

So, peeps...any input what you might think?

Thankies~

Shangrala