I don't know how to put the trigger warnings. . .can somebody help me?

have to write this somewhere, so I am going to step on this faith you all keep talking about and try to be trusting and honest.

Something triggered me badly yesterday while I was at my T's office. He was asking me about whether I was angry with my mother, and did I ever think of what I'd like to say or do to her. And I did. . .but as he was asking me to verbalize those things, I realized that they are just a mirror image of what she did to me, and I couldn't say them. I shut down. . .stared out the window and completely ignored him. My heart locked up and froze up on me, and I thought I was going to melt into a puddle of filth right there. This is eating on me even now, and if I don't get it out then I am going to keep cutting and I am afraid I am really going to hurt myself. So, here goes.

What I'd like to say/do to her.

I'd like to tell you that you stole my innocence, but I can't say for sure b/c I've never known innocence to begin with. How can I lose what I never had? I think sometimes I'd like to tie you down and strip you and humilate you. I'd stare and make fun of your little breasts and your boney hips. Then I'd point out all the flaws you have. I'd like to beat you and burn you. I can't do these things and I can't tell about them either b/c they aren't really MY wishes. They are simply the memory of what you did to me. It was YOUR hands that touched my little girl places and probed into the deepest parts of my little body. It was your deviance that used cigarettes to burn my little legs and arms. You were the one who forced me to learn to kiss before I was old enough, and it was YOU who stole the treasure of kissing from me before I was old enough to enjoy it. You used your hands to hit my little face and bring up bruises on me. . .you lauged when I gagged on blood from my split lip. You leered as men used my tiny body for their pleasures. I loathe you. And because of what you did to me, I cannot wish harm on you. You stole away my desire for vengeance with your deviant acts. I wish the fifth ring of Hell on your soul forever.