I've shut down my life over the past year and a half. The main reason was that I had a very difficult final year at university. I struggled to complete my degree whilst in a deep depression, and I also had a good (best?) friend that slowly became uninterested in carrying on her friendship with me (for unknown reasons), and another friend who was so emotionally dependent I felt I was being strangled by her neediness.

So I felt a big big urge to push it/them all away. I left uni, moved back to my home city (not a particually wise move) and became a reclusive. I harbour so much hatred towards the people i know from university because I feel they took, took, took and didn't ever see how badly I was struggling. The only person that i could rely on during that bad time was my sister. This has created a massive barrier between the other people I used to be friends with because I cannot interact with them as i used to (when i do). And I feel that there is a huge disconnection between the me now and the me i used to be. How can i being truly friendly with these people when I am no longer the same person? The little 'friendship' i have left with a few people is basically one big lie, i smile and laugh and pretend to be interested in them, but honestly i feel burnt.

I really would like friends but despite being quite capable of making them, the minute people start asking me to meet up with them I want to push them far, far away and I feel quite sick. It isn't because i'm socially anxious, but the idea of getting into a friendship with someone only for it to be taken away from me for no understandable reason, or worse, for them to become so clingy I can barely breathe, is truly terrifying!

I always seem to attract emotionally needy people, and the ones that are emotionally healthy seem to push me away, eventually. Honestly I don't trust people anymore, and i certainly don't trust my ability to maintain friendships. Why does this keep happening to me? It makes me lonely.