My Support Forums - View Single Post

(JD) · Jan 17, 2010 at 10:38 AM

Please bear with me as I share on this subject?

I think it's dangerous to begin using this term of "idiot compassion." The world has enough problems trying to figure out what compassion is, and how to show it without creating a new term for something that we in the field of psychology and similar sciences have identified as dysfunctional "enabling."

The term "idiot compassion" is part of a religious belief anyway. I personally think It would be much more appropriate and well within guidelines to use the psychological term of enabling (as members who have posted have identified) especially here at PC, don't you think?

I think this is a great topic, and one that most faiths deal with in some form or fashion.

I like the way someone wrote about compassion:
Compassion is one aspect of love.
Compassion may grow from feelings, but true compassion represents a practical attention to someone's needs.
It doesn't require us to feel: it requires us to act.

Sympathy says: I feel bad that you're hungry.
Empathy says: I know something about how you feel, I was hungry once.
Compassion says: Let's go get something to eat.

Enabling...enabling is a high-energy expression of love. It is positive when it supports recovery, and it is negative when it supports the disease.

Here are some examples of negative (dystonic or dysfunctional ) enabling...

Repeatedly bailing them out - of jail, financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
lying for them to employers, police, friends
Giving them "one more chance" - ...then another...and another
Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, gambling, etc.,
Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself with alcohol because I'm depressed".
Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior
Trying to "fix" them or their problem
Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"

Trying to control them or their problem
( ref: from internet of the mind)

BUT enabling can also be a good thing, when it promotes positive (syntonic enabling) results.
Isn't that part of what Psych Central is about?

We are here -through words and pictures- giving support... trying to enable (positively) others to do what is good and in their best interest.

showing support for them as human beings with needs
reminding them of aspects of their lives that are good
helping them to embrace who they are in their own "skin"
helping them identify the real issue(s)
offering options of how they might find a solution to problems
sharing how we solved or worked through a similar situation
asking how they are and encouraging them to do good self care
help them realize nothing is "all their fault"
and when money is a main issue, we chip into the community fund