Hello, I would like to share my story will you all and maby find someone who has gone through something like this. I really just need a friend to talk to .

Kind of a long story, but here goes....

Towards the end of 2007 my best friend started showing some odd symptoms, this went on for about 2 months. Then I got the call, she was in the Hospital. I immediatly drove to the hospital, when I walked in her room she didnt even look like the same girl.

We talked and I spent the night with her. None of the docs new anything. Eventually she was sent to a different hospital to rehab, she appeared to be getting better eventhough they didnt know what she had, besides some type of autoimmune disorder. After a couple weeks she starts going downhill and is sent to another hospital where she stays in the ICU for 2 months, the last two weeks on life support and drugged so she wouldnt pull out the tubes. All in all she spent many months sick and a total of 3 months in hospitals, and still no doc could help her. She passed away in March and even an autopsy didn't show anything. I was by her side all the time. The whole time in denial, I honestly thought she would come home, I was shocked when I got the call that she had passed. It seems everyone but me knew she wasn't coming home, denial.

I wonder how a 20 year old could die like this with NO answers. Everyday I wonder, and everyday I beg for her back.
I just don't know how to handle this situation, its been 10months and I still cry everyday. I don't have any friends because I only want her, I know that sounds silly but I didnt have many friends even before she passed, we always just had each other. It seems that as time has gone by everyone else has moved on, so I Cry Alone because it's always awkward when it's brought up around others. Sometimes I feel like they want to just say "Move on already", but I can't.

I used to have dreams about her, very vivid dreams. Once we we're driving together and talking, I told her she needed to go to her website and see all the nice comments people wrote for her, she asked what I was talking about, I said " You passed away and we all miss you" she replied " No silly I'm still here" while poking and laughing at me. I go on to tell her over and over she has gone, but she wouldnt believe me. Another dream I was driving in my car and someone pulled out in front of me so I swerved, as my car overturned she appeared in my passenger seat and told me " Lay your head on my shoulder, I'll help you through this, you're going to be okay" Every time the car turned over she held me tighter and tighter, she then helped me crawl out of the car and the man who pulled out in front of me ran over to help, I stand up and she disappears. Another dream she came home to a party for her and said God was making her better, we hugged and started dancing and she told me she'd be back soon, living and well. I knew she wouldnt be, but she didnt agree.

Those are the ones that really bother me , the many others are always us hugging each other crying. The last dream I had about 3 months ago I was sitting on her bed with her and we we're hugging and crying and she told me I had to move on, but I'd cry harder and tell her how much it hurts, she would always say " I know it hurts" but you have to.
That's the last dream I've had...Honestly Im sad they have ended, they felt so real, I felt so close to her again.

I know this has been a long story and I thank you for staying with me. Any advice would help, I just can't seem to move on. Should I get counseling, stop being a baby, or is this normal?