I have BP II. My hypomania can manifest in 2 ways. One: very happy, full of vigor, ready to take on the world, start many projects, write a lot more, etc.; two: short tempered, almost constantly angry at everybody except for random periods where I feel nothing at all; zombified, I call it.

When I'm depressed, I just want to complain to everybody and moan about my troubles to anyone who will listen and that's not exactly friendship.

Either way, I feel emotion toward others at a completely superficial level. I don't become deeply attached to anybody. I also tend toward passive aggressiveness and I can be manipulative and cynical. The only really strong emotions I feel 99% of the time are self-hatred, envy, pain and sadness.

Oddly, I feel empathy deeply. I had a friend I only knew online whose husband abused her horribly. I wanted to go the 2000km to Kentucky and hurt him badly. I didn't have the guts after she asked me not to do it but that's one example of how I can feel very strongly, but it's not because I have an attachment to that individual, only because of the pain being suffered.

I've worked in a building with around 400 people but I've only met with a couple of them outside work and not much at that. Not one close friend.

Is this permanent, a product of my genes? Or is this a behaviour I can learn to change? I want to be able to truly love, to have the sort of lasting friendships come so naturally to most people.

I feel there's nothing I can do about it but I feel so lonely I'm begging for some way to change it.