Echos and Perna,

Yes, I am holding a grudge against them. I know it is a very childish thing to do but i'm so hurt that they didn't help me and also so angry at myself for always appearing to be okay and yet punishing myself to be able to do it. They didn't realise how much effort and pain it took to appear semi-normal, and i do begrudge them that i did all that to stop them feeling awkward when actually they would never give me the same amount of effort back. I wanted them to care. Okay, some did care but only when things were very bad, the rest of the time they didn't even bother to ask.

I don't know it is all very complicated. I don't want to be lonely but i don't want to have friends either. But i do. Urg, I don't know what i want anymore. I am in therapy but it hasn't been overly helpful to be honest except to realise what an irritation i am! I know i need to talk about these issues but sometimes i confuse myself, and then she confuses me further and i end up feeling even more isolated plus feeling like total idiot for not understanding what she said.

The idea of concentrating on what makes me feel better is an alien concept to me. I mean i'm very self-indulgent so its not that i don't know how but i do so many self-destructive things that make me 'feel better' but aren't actually helpful. And again i don't know what will make me feel better. I'm totally lost and confused!