Therapy is driving me mad!

I cannot seem to have a good session. What i mean by a 'good' session is one where i come away feeling re-energised, or at least able to complete the week. I know therapy is supposed to be hard, but this is just ridiculous because nothing changes, nothing gets any easier, and it still all hurts just as much as it did a year ago!! All it seems to do is screw up my evening and start of the week as i often end up so depressed or angry that i just want to blur it all into oblivion.

I'm absolutely fuming at my therapist. We were talking in therapy about a specific issue for me right now, and i admit i wasn't great because i stopped talking for about 10mins during the session because i couldn't talk (no idea why, sometimes that happens, she thinks she stepped on something painful, i can't tell i just shut down completely, and yeh i know that isn't a good thing and is detrimental to the session but i honestly try to make myself talk but i can't....not that anyone will believe that because it sounds so darn stupid!). Anyway, despite all of my known (and unknown) faults in the session, i still feel let down by her because at the end of the session i asked 'so what should i do about ^^ issue above.'. She said we had done something about it, we'd talked about it and were finding out why i felt so intensely the way i do about this particular issue. Which in my eyes is all well and good if i was going to write an analytical study about my life, but i'm not, i have to go in and face this 'issue' again!!....okay maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even for the next few days but eventually i will. And until that point i'm going to be fueled by anxiety which is horrid!

And now on top of being stressed out about above issues, general demoralisation re: live, and feeling like the devil incarnate, I have to struggle with being angry with her. Sure, i could let it go, i could say that it isn't worth spending any energy on but that makes me even angrier because why should i let her get away with leaving me hanging every single session?! Why should i go in and bare my soul only to have her send me on my merry way in as much pain as i came in with?! I thought therapists were supposed to help!! And yeh, yeh she told me she doesn't have the answers, and we've gone over the 'me wanting a miracle cure' issue a 1000x BUT she doesn't understand i don't want it all fixed (well i do but i'm not so stupid that i think that is possible), all i want is for someone for once in my whole entire life to say - okay you are hurting, i hear you, i won't make you go out there and face it again alone, i can't keep it away for forever but you can have a few minutes of relief from the pain and you can get some rest'. That is all i want, some blummin' rest! I'm so tired! No wonder i turn to self harm time and time again, i try hard not to do it but honestly it is the only thing that actually helps!!!

The worst part about all of this is that as angry as I am at her, I actually want to tell her that i am! How much of a sucker for punishment am i?! Therapy makes me feel worse and yet i still keep going back and, as much as i hate to admit this, want to. She keeps saying i always come back as though it is a positive thing, what if it isn't, what if my life is so awful that therapy is the only place where i can stop it and just sit with someone, even if that person evokes some pretty strong emotions sometimes.

I simply have no idea what to do with all these emotions. I tell her i often feel out of control when i leave the sessions but she doesn't have any ideas how to help me, all she does is nod and 'understand'. It is as though she is a bystander, she sees how much pain i have but just stands and watches. It is demoralising.