I really want to integrate with that child. She's a part of me and I want her to live. But there's a huge chasm between the healthy adult and the wounded child. When I block her out totally, I'm this functional, confident, and, dare I say, happy person whom people like to be around. Well, at least that's the side of me I let others see.

But, when I let my guard down, this little girl comes to the surface who is this worthless, hurt, sad little *****. I'm trying to let go of the hatred toward her and embrace her but it's so hard. There's so much of it. Sometimes a hint of anger even comes out but, at least I push that back down because anger isn't something I allow myself to feel ever!! When she comes out, that's when the flashbacks are out of control and the body memories are so real!!!! I wish I could get a break from them. They're so overwhelming!!

As time goes on, I do feel more empathy toward her but for the life of me, I can't let it happen without reservations and I can't sustain it. It's like grief takes over that is so strong and she's the cause of it!!!

I guess I'm rambling now. There are so many emotions mixed into this that I still need to figure out and find some perspective.