Mon. Jan. 18 2010

Im scared. Ever since I got raped. I’ve been scared. Of this house, of school, of my room and especiallty because of him. He ruined me. I can’t sleep, I can’t talk about it with people face to face, I get panic attacks. So im scared, because of what he did to me. It’s not fair. Why did this have to happen to me? I have no one to talk to it about. They think it’s so easy just to move on and forget about it. Like i can just forget that night and just move on like nothing ever happend. No, I’m sorry but i can’t. It’s not that easy.

I’d like to see them try and face this challenge like I have to. It’s not like i can forget about it like someone stole my seat in the cafeteria or someone glared at me in the hallway. It’s much harder. You have to deal with the flashbacks, with telling your parents, to talking to millions of councellors.. etc.

I can’t even be in my basement without having a panic attack. Fml. Why do these kinds of people exist. I fear I won’t ever be the same ever again. My parents can’t handle me, my boyfriend can’t handle me, my friends can’t handle me, and I can’t even handle me.

My mom thinks I’m utterly crazy because i can see spirits. My dad is blaming me for him and my mom fighting. My friend has her own probalems. And i have this big load to deal with, all by myself because nobody understands. It’s not that easy to just tell them how I feel. Because I can’t tell someone I don’t trust.

This is just all too much to deal with. I’m tired of fighting this. It’s not fair. Why can’t they just see that what i told them (the police officer) is true. Im only 15 years old, a 19 year old can’t have sex with me, can he?

Wow I’m just ready to die. This so isn’t how I wanted my life to be, at all..