i lost him 4years, 8months and 6days ago. i remeber the day like it was yesterday because it was the day I turned 16, there was a lot of things happening that day. one it was my birthday and naturally like all the other kids in my family that ment getting a new car, but then was the fact that a 2 days earlier we all found out that i was pregnet, and Singer was the father. in some ways my family was happy, atleast the father was Singer and not someone from a poorer family. and they new he would do the right thing. both of our families had sat down to discuss what would happen with the child. but the final choice was up to Singer and I. we chose marriage, but not right away we were going to get married when I turned 18. i knew it was the right choice, he was and probably still would be the one for me. we had always been together, best friends all through school, started dating in middle school, and would probably date all though high school and college. none of us knew what was going to happen that day.
i was full of life back then, happy with how everything was. now things are different. he died that day, in a drive by shooting. thing is no one knows what he was doing in that part of town. i died that day too. i kept my child... his child, shes beautiful but i cant stand to look at her. i see him in her. i would probably be a better mother if i could move on.
i dont live in the city where he died anymore, but i do visit there and i see him walking the streets, playing basketball, sitting in a coffee shop. but its not only there that i see him, i see him in my studio were i work. while i work ill see a fleeting glimps of a person and i know its him. i know he wants me to be happy, but i also know he still wants to be here. he never got to be the father he wanted to be. he never got to prove how good he would be. he never said bye.
over the years people keep telling me to get over my loss. not my family or his really but other people. therapists, 'friends' and people in general. i guess our families understand what he meant to me, but they also worry and i see it all the time in their eyes. i see the questions of why cant you just let him go and move on? it hurts. thats my answer it hurts. it hurts to stay in the past but it also hurts to move on.
i have a new boyfriend now, and hes good but he brings back all the memories i have of Singer. Vi is the same way, she tries to ask about her daddy and i feel bad because i always snap at her when she brings him up. but he was mine, i knew him, i loved and still love him. and he is gone.
sometimes ill be walking down the street and see someone who looks like him, to me they are him. i want to ask him what happened, why couldnt he take me with him. why didnt he fight, why did he leave me. now i just wish to stay and walk in these shadows...