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Originally Posted by different
I know extacly how you feel. I am going through a really hard time right now and my daughter knows and chooses to keep her distance. How she copes is to stay away from me so she doesn't get sucked into my depressed or manic states. I have 2 grandchildren, and it is hard thinking that I will not see them again. When times passes, I always get to talk to my grandhildren. Sometimes it feels like she is punishing me by not being around, especially when I tell her I am going through a difficult time. After reading the post of the daughter, I don't feel as bad. My daughter also says that she gets hurt by me when I am in an episode, so she needs her space. She doesn't want to get hurt by the things I might say, eventhough I apologize later. It is very hard on our children, and I think we expect more empathy from them as they get older. I have no idea, but maybe we see our children maturing in other areas of their lives, so we think they should be mature enough to listen to us. I find it very hurtful when she pulls away. I do think she is being cruel, but at the same time I don't know what it feels like on her side of the fence.
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If I may chime in one more time, there are a couple of things in your post that my mom and I have worked out together that may apply to your situation.
First, when I take some time for myself, it is not about punishing my mom at all. Oh my goodness no! I actually miss my mom a lot! I highly doubt that your daughter is being punitive either. It's about me and taking care of my needs so I can come "home" so to speak.
There has to be room for you both to do the work needed to maintain the relationship. I totally understand how and why you think she is being cruel. For my mom, it felt as though I was pulling away just when she needed me the most. However, through lots and lots of talking and listening on both of our parts, we realized that her needs and my needs are not as at odds as it may seem. It's about long-term, sustainability of a relationship that is good for both of us. We had to stop "butting heads" and start working together.
One specific thing that my mom and I really had to work on was my role in the relationship. My mom expected me to be her therapist, her best friend, and her caregiver (making sure she ate, took her meds etc...). Anything less meant that I didn't love her, causing me tremendous guilt. When I laid it all out for her she said "wow, that's a lot - I'm sorry". I, too, apologized for not being able to be everything she needed.
Over time, we worked out solutions (actually getting her into psychotherapy, letting her assume responsibility for taking her meds and creating an environment where she felt empowered to help herself). I'll gladly be her best friend, listen to her when she is down and when I can't be with her, I send her care baskets! I also had to realize that when she is down, I can't fix her (gulp). I can not take her pain away (double gulp). That let me let go of some of the frustration and guilt. It actually gave me much more freedom to love her.
Our expectations of each other are much more comfortable now for us both I think. It's not perfect and we both let each other down sometimes, but it's working.
As I said before, love can not be erased by mental illness, it can be challenged, but never ever broken. Love will bring you two back together.