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Jan 20, 2010, 09:03 AM
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Member Since: Dec 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
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Hi to all,
I am sorry I wasn't sure where to write this. I went out with a guy as friends kind of a date. It was going alright and then we went back to my place but only as friends and he wanted to see my cat. I told him from the first moment I saw him that I didn't want to have sex.
When he got inside my place he wouldn't leave. I asked him to leave lots of times but he refused. He kept grabbing me and kissing me. I knew he was aroused so I told him to leave repeatedly, but he refused and instead cornered me and pushed me into my room. still groping me. I told him to stop and was completely upfont that I didn't want to have sex or do anything.
I thought he would just leave but instead he locked the door, and kept grabbing me and he held so I couldn't move and touched me inappropriately. I told him to stop numerous times but he wouldn't let me move. He kept rubbing up against me. He held me down and would lay on top of me so I couldn't move. He refused to leave and everytime I tried to get up he would push me back down on the bed and lay on me so I couldn't move. I kept saying no, but he wouldn't listen. I kept saying I didn't want to have sex with him but he stripped nude and rubbed himself up against me and layed on top of me and tried to force me to have sex with him. After I told him no repeatedly he ripped of my clothes and again layed on top of me so I couldn't move rubbed up against me, tried to froce me to have sex with him, but instead he inserted his hands inside of me and was extremley rough and aggressive and it hurt. I didn't know what to do, I was crying. I just told him to stop.
He continued to lay on top of me and tried to have sex with me. He wouldn't leave untill I did something sexual for him. I was frightened and I was being forced to do things I didn't want to do. I said no sex or sexual things and gave no consent but he wouldn't leave untill he got what he wanted. He was physically stronger than me and locked me into the room and wouldn't let me leave. He pushed me down if I tried to get up and held me down on the bed.
I didn't have the phone to ring anyone for help and he wouldn't let me anyway.
I know this is not rape but sexual abuse of somekind I am sure. I was dealing with this all really well. I didn't cry afterwards, and just kept going. It has been three weeks and I am now starting to have trouble dealing with this. I am having flashbacks at inaapropriate times of the incident and the fear comes back from that night. I am crying heaps more and when I have the flash backs I feel physically ill as if I want to vomit. I am having headaches and I just feel dirty and disgusting, scared. I rarely want to leave the house and I feel asthough I am drowning and I cannot swim to the top because something keeps pushing me down. I just want to runaway and at times feel like there is no point. I just wish it would all go away.
I have had an abusive relationship before where I was raped and physically abused and I fear it is a cycle which I cannot control or get out of. I just wanted to know if anyone had any ideas on how to deal with this situation, the trauma afterwards? and how to deal with these symptoms of post traumatic stress? or how to move out of the cycle of abusive relationships? I took a 4 year break after my last relationship and did a lot of self help but still I keep incurring the same issues and I am scared that one day I will be killed or something, because the abuse just keeps happening. I havent asked for it. Sometimes I blame myself like there is something wrong with me. I have only had two relationships in my life and I dont sleep around. So why does this keep happening to me?
I dont want to have my head in the sand or be the victim, I want to heal the scars and move though this, one day I hope to find a healthy relationship and have children.
I am sorry for writing so much or discussing this with you. I haven't discussed this with anyone else because I didnt know if anyone would understand and or would judge me and I feel humiliated.
Anyway thanks for listening.
If anyone could help in any way, that would be great!
Cheers
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