As soon as I realized I was having a serious episode of hypomania, I started trying to arrange to see someone, but at the time I couldn't (seriously, absolutely couldn't) miss time from work so it was basically impossible to get an appointment. However, when the panic attacks hit I, began to book off in spite of the great danger to my job security and was fortunate to see a psychiatrist soon after.

That was about a month ago. The first time I saw him, he was very confident in stating that I have ADHD and prescribed Dexedrine. I don't think it explains my hypomanic behavior and my pdoc may still think my previous diagnosis of BP II is correct since he said to continue taking Lamictal. After that, I was still having a lot of anxiety and mania symptoms; I was lucky to get an emergency appointment with him and he piled 2 on more meds.

So, right now, I'm on Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Dexedrine (Dextroamphetamine), Klonopin (Clonazepam), Zyprexa (Olanzapine.)

By the way, I feel the need to specify that I don't believe I am self-diagnosing, although I can see how one could make that assumption from the content of my posts. Only once I describe my symptoms to the doctor, and he makes a diagnosis, do I then turn to the internet to educate myself as much as possible about it. It helps me understand my behavior and search for self-help information. I think it's a lot like getting a second opinion.

I agree with the nail into jello analogy. I have admitted to my boss that when I become manic, at times, I'm unaware of my unusual behavior, that I become critical, sarcastic, and short tempered and can have a tendency to look down upon those I feel aren't very smart. This is something awful that I am ashamed to admit. I know that I have no right to make this judgment and even if so it is the height of pretentiousness and conceit. Admitting all that to my boss is telling in and of itself.

I can instead be super optimistic and positive about everything to a degree I feel is annoying to many people but, for example, helped me to get my job.

Drop the hammer: to continue the analogy, what happens if you drop a hammer on jello? That's really about how I feel right now. Scattered into a million little blobs of thought and emotion.

Oh hey, I just had a brain wave. May I copy your sentence and add the above paragraph (maybe with revision) and post it in the creative corner?

And yet another: do you think there's any way that if I wrote out the worst case scenario, i.e. if I went completely off my rocker and described all the horrible things I think about as if I were doing them, if it would help me to reaffirm to myself that I would never do such things?

Or, is the idea itself a sign that my barriers to considering any of it seriously are coming down and I should maybe consider going to a hospital? Could it be the cause of my constant fear?