Thanks I needed some perspective on this, I feel I've been going round and round in circles for so long it is getting so tiresome.

I think you are right Rapunzel, i think i do need her to validate what i'm feeling other that just a simple nod of understanding. I've had nods of understanding in the past, and although i know it doesn't mean that people don't care, it just says to me that they care only to a point...and for some reason i never feel that reaches far enough to cover me. I have known for awhile that I sometimes use self harm as proof that it hurts enough. I feel this deep ache in my chest that i cannot easily explain just with words and because i never feel as though i can get people to understand how much it hurts especially considering i appear so together and 'strong', i cut so that i can prove to myself that what i feel is true...that its not all just a nightmare.

I am so confused about what I am scared about. I can be so confident and so together in some situations but at others i feel as though i could fall to pieces (quite literally). I want to be able to talk in therapy when i start to feel something scary, but i shut down so quickly i feel as though i'm trapped. I try and force myself to talk but my mouth won't move, so i end up screaming in my head.

I do express how i feel to my therapist, I say 'i'm angry' to which she replies 'i know'. I know everyone says that you should express your feelings as though that will make it all better but i think for me it leaves me hurting more when i get the same reaction as i have been getting through-out my life. To be honest that leaves me feeling angrier because she doesn't 'know', if she really knew she wouldn't sit there all calm whilst i'm hurting. I simply don't think it is fair when she provoked the reaction in the first place! ...Urg, i don't know what i want from my therapist, i don't know what reaction from her would make me happy. All i keep coming back to is that i want her to stop asking me to cope. I know she never says it outloud but leaving me in the same situation wk after wk basically means - cope. And that is all i do, it is all i've ever done. I'm expected to cope and not cause any major chaos so that everyone else can go on with their lives even though i'm left struggling. (I have no idea why i think i struggle more than others though...which leaves me feeling guilty and pathetic!!).

I really hope you are all right and that this cycle will change in a positive way because i am so tired of it week after week on top of everything else. I'm so angry at myself that i don't want to cut myself any slack, i feel completely stuck and this is my fault. I don't want to be nice to myself when i'm not living up to my expectations, i don't deserve it.