Today was the day I finally got myself down to the hospital for the blood work. I did everything right to prepare myself and get myself into the calmest state of mind I could muster before leaving the house.

Driving into the parking lot I could feel the nausia. I slowly made it to the lab feeling fuzzy from the anxiety. I sat and focused on my breath to reduce the strain. I even engaged in conversation with someone to distract me until they called me in. I vocalized my anxiety with the tech to help reduce the stress. I went for a walk along the river along side the hospital to decompress.

I thought since I was there maybe I would check at the mental health centre next to the hospital to see if the pdoc still came to town every month. The anxiety started to show and while the answer to my question about the pdoc was no the receptionist said I looked like I needed to talk to someone and said a counsellor was available. I had to go collect my son for lunch but she convinced me to come back at 2pm when another counsellor would be able to see me.

My son stood me up so I just came home. By the time I got home I was wasted. Totally exhausted and drained from the stress. I had some lunch and then layed down to try to settle down before I had to head back to see the counsellor. As much as I didn't want to go I determined to do it.

I got there a few minutes ahead of time. Not 10 minutes into me giving her some background.... already in tears..... someone else came into the office needing a shot. She was the only one covering the office so she had to excuse herself to give the lady her shot. Then I heard another person come and I thought to myself.... this isn't going to work. I can't do this. How many more interruptions will there be? This isn't good.

I grabbed my coat and took off. I can't believe this happened. I am probably the most resistant person to asking for help in the whole entire world and this happens. I finally ask for help and this happens. I am beside myself.

I am so tired from the effort of the day and what did I really do. Go to the hospital for a blood test and that was enough to knock me to my knees. I was toast before I even went back to the counsellor and now I am just sort of numb to prevent from going absolutely blooming crazy. I can bearly think let alone breath.

anyways.... I'm spent. I finally listened to all the advice about getting help and zippo. Back to square one. Me and me and me alone.

Sorry..... just had to dump this. My head is ready to exploide. I ache all over and my mind is mush. I am exhausted and discouraged and so so afraid of what is to come of me. My poor son. I nearly snapped his head off when he called me and I asked where he was at lunch time.

I have to go collect him from school now and take him to the gym. Hope I can be nice to him.

Thanks for listening to me blabbering self pity party.