so strange to read things that do not look familiar but came from my/our hand. really hard to come read and see that we have been spelling phonetically and posting half thoughts which means that we're not entirely present when we're attempting to post a response to someone. how embarrassing to have these fizzled thoughts stuck there when they were intended to make sense but now just look lost and deranged like we feel.

so strange to refer to myself/ourselves in the plural yet it appears to be making a dent in how therapy is progressing.....we hope anyway. so strange to have reactions to things that do not make sense until much later with the endnotes and overview. how to figure out the moments while they are happening?

we wish this wasn't so bizarre and that we didn't fit the dx so we keep trying new angles of denial with the therapist. being a therapist with twenty odd years experience they are able to counter each and every kind of denial raised. we're tired of the exhaustion that comes from this intensity of therapy and the constant work of keeping boundaries where they need to be in order for us to not get worse.

we read letters from the therapist and just feel so odd seeing it addressed to more than one. this isn't how our life was supposed to be. we do our best in taking the meds and seeing the doc and using supportive healing modalities that are covered by the dole.

we won't take no for an answer when it comes to getting better and learning how to stop losing time. the headaches are terrible. the memory is shot. hours go by. weeks are gone before we know it. we use various methods to attempt to keep track of things. it is amusing to say the least as it boggles our mind trying to make sense of whatever system we're using now. keeps changing according to whatever brilliant idea surges forth and makes it to the front.

therapist gone next week so good down time to not have to work quite so hard on work that doesn't come with an instruction manual.

we do not wish hugs at this time as they are kind but not the response that is helpful to us at this time.

well that's enough getting back on that horse for us today.

what a reality, eh? who'd want to be like this?!