thank you, both (((((((lily and fallengangel))))))).

it was just a very weird session. he started off by saying he had a few questions he wanted to check in with before he gave me my turn, but he then kind of got carried away and never got around to giving me my turn - until the pager went off and he realised he wanted to wrap up the session. so obviously i wasnt going to go into anything important then.

the thing is, the first thing i did want to talk about was whether he was happy to continue seeing me. i guess he made it pretty clear what his opinion is. i'd already told myself i would just ask, hear his answer, and make my decision from there. i know what i need in therapy and if austin-t can't provide that right now then it's ok - so long as i know i can make whatever decision is in my best interest.

the thing that confused me is that he kept couching it in terms of me being dependent, not having a balanced enough life etc. my suspicion (which he partly confirmed) has been that he is simply too busy to fit me in anymore. and that he's still accepting new clients, so i've been relegated to the sidelines. i'm upset that he made that decision without involving me in it. and it does feel manipulative to then tell me it's for my own good.

anyway. i just sent him a text asking if he would let me send him an email, and explaining that i didnt need a reply so long as we spoke about it next week. if he says yes then i guess i'll go along next week and let him have his say (i'll send my say first in the email). if he says no then i can understand why he wouldn't want to encourage email contact, but it would also make the session not worth my while (i'm feeling far too vulnerable to bring this up in person) and so i guess i can cancel accordingly.