i actually enjoy breaks. i'm happy knowing T/pdoc are doing non-therapy stuff, and it gives me a chance to play out in the world by myself for a while. this is something that was raised tangentially in our last session before the break, and i made sure that i wrote it down because i know it is difficult for me to address. it's not the sense of being abandoned, but the feeling of not being important enough/worthy enough to even hold a spot as a client. my 'usual' spot got given over to someone else, and i was asked if i wanted to continue at a different site because he was too full in his private clinic. so that's what started this off. i guess i was on the money. austin-t keeps saying i need to trust myself more, and i should've trusted myself on this one.

anyway. he didn't reply to my text. i was expecting a reply but i'm not upset it hasn't happened. maybe he will reply tomorrow, or maybe not. if nothing has happened by monday i'll let him know i'd like to cancel our appt next week.

if he allows me to email him, i'll go back. but if he doesn't then i won't bother. being vulnerable is something i refuse to with people i don't feel safe with. austin-t isn't safe, and hasn't been safe, since the last time i saw him. so i won't be vulnerable with him, but via email might be ok, because he won't see the hurt.