I always struggled with needing my father's approval and love.... maybe not such a strange need for a child but.....

He was as cold as a stone and never hugged me or praised me.

My parents divorced when I was 8 but my father lived a double life and divided his time between the two familes he was in "contact" with until I was 16 when he left for good. But the parents STILL did not tell me the truth!!!!! I knew something was very wrong but the lack of communication was so extreme and the family were so distant and emotionally detatched from each other that no one said anything.... not me, my grandmother, aunts, uncles.....

The "truth" came out when I was 20! My father was very angry with me when I reacted with shock and anger to the "news"...

Grrr (meek growl....... but why do I bother???)

I have realised a "pattern" in some of my on line "friendships" where I become "attached" to some people who resemble my father in either their intellect or their lack of sincerity or loyalty .... or their emotional coldness, or all of those things.

So I set myself up for blame, rejection and "abandonment" by these people who I chose because of my need to be hurt (unconsciously) .... and they chose me because of their need to hurt and be in control (unconsciously I am hoping)

Also my warm "fuzziness" is attractive to some.... until they tire of it. sigh.

But I have made some progress!!!

Gasps of amazement and disbelief from the stalls!!!!

I no longer want the approval or love of those who I feel have blamed and abused me, sent me mixed and conflicting messages and violated my rights to respect...... EVER.

Fuzzy

(and Lucy ..)