Darkrunner-
Thank you for your support. I have been fighting this feeling since I was attacked that it didn't "count". That for it to count it would have to be worse. I think that your idea about trying to pretend it didn't happen and that I didn't have the fear and pain of it is true. It happened and I just went back to class like nothing happened. Then when I tried to report it everyone treated it like it was nothing. No one offered to help. The only reason I kept telling it to the person higher in authority was because I felt that I might get help, but it never happened. I just had to keep acting like nothing had happened. I pretty much lost the last month and a half of school. But I kept going back because that was all I knew how to do. Had a been a student who skipped school, then maybe I wouldn't. But all I knew how to do was go to school. And the only reason I can be sure that I went to school was there were no automated calls to my parents telling them I wasn't in school. In a way I can't believe that I kept going back to where it happened. (like nothing had happened). I think you are right that if I kept telling myself that nothing happened then there was no reason for me to have any feelings attached to the event.

Splitimage-
Thanks for the support. I actually am seeing a T right now. We are just starting to deal with the trauma stuff. This is the first time I've really been able to access my feelings about it. The way that I feel about it, and the fears that I have about intimacy because of it. The feeling that I'm never going to be normal because at this point I'm 26 and have never been on a date. I was ambiguous in my mention of being able to go out. I go to school and shopping and can go to coffee with friends. It is more my fears around going somewhere that I don't know someone already. And I know part of that is my social anxiety that I have been suffering with before I was attacked. But now it is just more. My wanting to be able to do things that normal people my age do (go to concerts-if I had music I really enjoyed) but know the experience would be overwhelming, and not just the people but the noise etc.

I know that "normal" is a misnomer and everyone will say that there really is no normal. However, I believe there is a range of normal that most people experience and I am outside that range. My grandfather is probably going to die soon. I will need to fly to go to his funeral. However, I have panic attacks about the idea of having to go through security and possibly be patted down. While I am working on this in T. This is not what I would consider normal. I wish I only had to deal with the normal anxieties that people do when dealing with this sort of situation. Ie. did I contact my professors, do i have a hotel to stay at, do I have a car I can drive when I'm there etc. Everything outside of that for me is in addition to normal. I just want to have to deal with the usual suspects. Not all my suspects that decide to catch a ride on my back.