It kind of feels like a grumbling in my subconscious. At the fringe of my minds eye. It lingers in my periphery stalking me, watching me. I wish I could focus my eyes on it but whenever I try to train my awareness on it there is nothing there. I am not accustomed to not knowing. I have, for the most part figured it out. But now, for some reason it eludes me. I can feel it and because of it I am leery. I am afraid to sleep but don't want to wake. The shadow it casts is ever so subtle, I can barely feel it making me doubt that it's even there. But I have been here before. I can feel it. It... feels a bit like home.

I'm not critical but I am worried that I am on the verge. I know even if it comes it will pass, but when I have done so well for so long... I don't know if I am conditioned for the ride anymore. To use an analogy I feel like an athlete who is out of shape being challenged unexpectedly. It scares me to think that this used to be my ruin. I hope it doesn't return to me like the old days. Every time it comes I fear it will be the end of the a dynasty. I have a small family who needs me. For them I can't be allowed to go to that place I call home.

Despite my unwillingness to go to bed, my medication has made that a more manageable feat. Till tomorrow. You all stay safe.