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Originally Posted by treehouse
I can relate to this SO much, blue. And in over 2 years of therapy, I haven't really talked about Mom stuff because of this.
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I think this is the most difficult place to go. Even with my csa and my father, it is difficult but in a self-worth, shame kind of way. My mother stuff just destroyed who I was and I think who I could be if she had not been this way to me. It is hard, painful and I am surprised by the energy behind the feelings it bringup for me.
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I remember finding a journal from when I was 13 or so. My mom was evil. I would write about how that made me feel for a page, but then it would be pages and pages of "but I LOVE her! And I know she is the best mom in the world!! And I am so LUCKY!". I think it's a really hard place to be. 
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UGH! ((((Tree))))) Its as if you realized that she was doing something very wrong and it hurt. If she was anything like my mother, she had very sophisticated techniques to use with me to absolve herself of any wrongdoing. And to make herself look like a saint. How could you not love someone who loved you SO much and did everything for you? All she ever did was care and try and try and try. All for YOU!
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SO. Trying to look at this from the outside and be sane (not easy for me right now  )...does it have to be so black and white? Does it have to be EITHER "they were evil" OR "They tried hard and I'm being self-centered"? Can it be "they thought they were trying, but they hurt me" or "sometimes they were okay, but the times they were evil have left me with some deep wounds I need to heal". I think the truth almost always lies somewhere in the middle.
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That middle ground comes and goes. When I am angry toward her, its black and white. When I get some distance from my feelings, I can see the middle ground. It is hard and makes me even angry to look at the middle ground when I am in a feeling. But then, there are stretches of time when I am not so angry and I think, she did the best she could for who she was. You can do what you dont know how to do. Or, maybe it is more accurate to say, she had a NPD and it would be too much of a challenge for her to genuinely care, if she even knew how to do that. She knew how to care when it suited her.
And, there is something else. I have not yet felt hurt or sad about any of this. Anger seems to be the easier emotion. Any sadness or hurt feelings feel unreachable and just dead to me. I do not feel sadness or hurt, but I probably did at some young age.
Im going to do that. Im going to print this post and take it with me. I have to go in a different direction on monday.
Thanks, Tree
