yes, you've got it.

we have had sex when I was 100% there & it was wonderful. my big problem is that I have a negative tendency to use others to define myself and sense of self. so, if my bf doesn't seem to be in love with me, or he's sick or crabby (whatever), I am terrified that our love is gone. in that case, what am I doing there? I can't stay with someone who doesn't love me..and I go down further and further kicking myself for failure. it takes a few days or so, before I can start seeing the positive again and be reassurred. then, I am once again convinced that I am special. that's my crazy roller coaster.

obviously, unhealthy. I know. but those feel-good days and nights are priceless to me! I just hate those spirals downward.

p.s. thankfully, I'm currently back on my upward swing again.