((((crystalrose))))

Thank you for this post. I did the same thing so many times. Ashamed to admit it, though as a child I knew nothing else but to do what had been done. Whether I was trying to process it or if it was something that became part of me, I am not sure.

As children when we are abused we do not understand what is happening nor do we understand that our bodies also react in ways that are normal for that action even though it is not normal or should not be as present as it is for someone who is abused in that sort of way.

We react to feeling things that we do not understand. When it is done enough times the child begins to live out that very thing many times. For me, I would re-enact and always using the perpetrator in my mind as who was doing it and repeating the very words used to me.

This is something that many times children will do and it will also follow them on throughout their life until they can evenually get help to be able to stop hurting themselves. For me, it is something that we feel we still deserve and even though it is shameful, something we have always felt we had to do.

But in that, always hearing the voice of those that did what they did. Never hearing any positive only words once used to make you feel responsible for what the abuser did in the guilt and pleasure of themselves. That way you always felt it was something that was what you did for them and that you wanted to do it.

This way it became the fault of the victim and not the truth of the abuse that was taking place. I do not know if I am making sense but I do know what you are saying and how it is that we feel we need to do this. Somehow it makes it seem true in our own heads and somehow relieves a pressure that never should have been there in the first place.

dps