Last week was my monthly visit to the pdoc for my monthly scripts. We had the usual monthly conversations....how's the family, is Matt's dad doing ok, any new meds.....

I asked him one simple question: Why is it so important for me to remain alive when I cannot find a reason?

What about you children, what about your grant children, what about your dad?

Perhaps it is because yes we are family but no we are not. They have lives of their own.

None of my family has lived within traveling distance of each other for most of our lives. As a military family we were sent from one place to another. Sometimes you lived in the same house for 5/6 years the pack up and head to the next generation. My father, my oldest son, my youngest son, and my oldest grandson are members of the US Navy. We know of no other way to live. While I'm fairly sure we all have feelings for each other, I have trouble saying we are a family.

I just can't rationalize why it is so important that I live. I have nothing to live for. My memory loss is getting worse. I can't spell or type very well any more. My family gets upset when I can't remember family things that are so important. Its like someone saying your dumb, stop acting like that.

I'm so tired of life. I guess it really isn't "life", it just living.

kebs