I am not sure anyone is up for any more of my saga but I need to let some stuff out of my head and so far nothing has worked. I rambled on about it here before and deleted the post and without it here for me to reread and minimize in still has a hold on me. Will try to give the Readers Digest version.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call. A friend from the city was looking for a place to sleep for the night. She would be arriving late and leaving early for a meeting up the canyon the next morning. Even though I was not up to company and haven't had anyone in my house besides my son's friends for more than six months I am not good at saying no when someone asks for a favour. Mostly I just avoid being in the position. I only picked up the phone because I thought it was my son calling for a ride home from the gym. I did try to make excuses but she wasn't buying any of them and so I convinced myself that it might even help me get out of my hole by busying myself with preparing a room for her etc.

A couple hours later the panic had escellated and I ended up phoning her mother, who is actually a closer friend and is aware of my issues. I was in pretty bad shape by the time I called her and asked her to let her daughter know that I had to recant my hospitality. I felt really bad about it because I knew it meant her daughter would have to get a motel instead but my friend was supportive and told me not to worry. It was hard to own my limitations but as the night went on I was glad to not have put that pressure on myself.

Unfortunately my conversation with my friend, while providing me a way out of one difficulty opened up some other sore spots. She told me she is moving and that made me sad because even though I don't see her often she is one person I have opened up to and who has been a real support to me in difficult times. She also told me about a new business venture she and another friend are advancing. I just felt sad because there was a time that we were going to develop a business together. It was such a reminder of how life is going on all around me and here I sit. I wished her well but my heart was broken just the same. I know she would love for me to jump on board but we both know it isn't possible. I tell myself it's okay but its hard to believe it will ever be okay. That I will ever be me again.

The last couple of days the news is full of story about the Olympics and the Cultural Festival. But for being so sick I would be in the middle of all of that. Up to a couple of years ago I was up to my neck developing, promoting and raising money for events for the festival. Then I got too sick to cope with the demands and abandoned everyone to carry on with out me. I exchange the odd email offering advice and encouragement to some of the artisans I still connect with now and then but that's as much as I can muster. To see it all happening without me is killing me. I just want the festival to be over so I am not reminded of all that I lost.

Okay... now I need to let those things go for once and for all. It is what it is. I wish all of my friends greet success and I am proud of what they are doing and accomplishing. I am pleased with what I did to help them along the way and accept that..... what?... what can I accept about being left by the way side.

Okay.... I did good. What I did was good. Good enough. It will just have to be good enough. It was all I had. Still.... my heart is broken to be left on the side lines of life.

Still I must keep on keepin on somehow. One day at a time. I got out of my room today. Showered and took the dog for a walk. I did dishes, washed and vacumed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I did useful things and I will just need to keep telling myself... I did good.

Its not the measure of how much but rather its the recognition of doing something that must give me my value today.