i went to be at midnight knowing i have to wake at 7am.... i usually stay up later with him because he always works till like 11pm but tonight i didnt i was too tired and he got off at 2pm today... so i went to bed. he comes in, turns the lgihts on, does things super loud and i ask him whats going on.... he of course has been drinking, he says stuff about me turning into a ***** ever since we moved back to my "mommy and daddy's house" and how now i dont need him so he's done dealing with me, he's tired of my depression.... he called me a dumb *****. he said "the problem is i am SMART, and you are NOT" and accused me of cheating on him over the internet. I've started coming on here, thats the only thing im doing. Just trying to egt support. He said something like "oh, you found some loser online who wants to hear your dumb problems and be supportive?" and i replied with "yeah i found a GROUP of people who i can talk to because every time i try to talk to YOU, you tell me that im bringing you down and ruining your day!"

he's always talking about leaving me, how im too much to handle, how he's tired of me...

im finally ready to be single and sad.... because right now the pain of his insults and mockery are worse than the pain of being lonely. I already am lonely. incredibly.

tomorrow he'll either still be all angry and serious and start packing... or he'll say he doesnt even remember it happening (the alcohol as an excuse) or he'll say he's sorry and he didnt mean it and expect me to forgive him immediately as usual.

he's called me every name in the book, used all of my deepest secrets and sad memories to purposely try and hurt me, he used that fragile information to cause me the most pain. he makes fun of my ED, he makes FUn of anything that HURTS ME when he's angry because he knows he can hurt me easily.

i asked him tonight if he enjoys hurting me, if he enjoys seeing me cry, if he enjoys saying really mean things to me and he looked at me like i was crazy.

im tired of someone telling me they love me and hate me in the same day.

i hate myself. no one will ever love me. i am broken. i am useless and worthless as a GF. no one will ever love me, or ever care for me. i will be alone and sad forever.

even the BF told me no one will ever love me. that i am below him and not worth his time.

i think im okay with that now, actually.